The Bachelor, Episode Two.

"That's just the way I was raised...in the south."

Really Kacie B? You're from the south? We had NO IDEA. I guess the cowgirl boots, incessant twang and baton twirling should have been a cue- oh WAIT IT WAS. It's incredibly obvious.

WTF. This is...creepy. If some guy took me into a deserted theater and started showing me my own home videos on a first date I would run the eff out of there. Did no one see Twilight? That's how a serial killer starts to torture you.

Also not to be insensitive, but I'm just going to go ahead and do it- we get it, Ben's dad is dead. You don't need to force feed home videos and close in on that manly tear shimmering in his eye, but never actually falling down his cheek into full on crying.




Jennifer is doing good so far. Girl with the skunk hair, not so much. She's gone. "The way he is acting around these children, you know he's going to be a good dad." Wow, no really? I bet the producers had no idea that is the impression the...hold on, a commercial for John Carter just came on. Love Taylor Kitsch. So much better than Ben. I love him, don't get me wrong, but, anyways, the audience. That impression on the audience. Wow, Monica is starting to piss me off. Her face screams someone who is smiling through her homicidal tendencies.

Wow these kids are right on it. They hated the annoying ones, and they hated the woman with the uh...the uh...omg that little girl who was trying to think of a polite word for those beach balls attached to  Blakeley's chest.

This play was definitely written by kids and not strategically planned by Bachelor producers at all. Also Monica, who got to "blow Ben's clothes off"? Yeah, that's PG.

However, best quote of the night, "Blakeley...is...a slut." Which means that everything is about to GET CRAAAAZY Y'ALL.

Also, it was kind of hard to catch, but when he brought them in for drinks, he said, "who wants some sparkly." Dude, champagne is bubbly.

Wow, with her hair back, Blakeley's eyes are taking over her face. It is freaking me OUT. Girl has crazy eyes, lets sit back and see how this plays out, yes?

Why is there a ladies room in this house? Also, when you are sitting on a toilet crying...that's a low point. I don't know why girls do it. There are rooms in this house, go to one of those. But that is just tragic.

Courtney is not super bitchy yet. She just has that blank bitch stare. Don't know why everyone is getting upset. Also, Kacie looks so different with her hair curly! Damn! It actually makes me like her more- she looks like a real person.

Wow, is that what I sound like when I talk about my astrological sign? Maybe it's just Blakeley's eyes that are making her eyes so crazy. Ew. What is that noise she's making while she's kissing him? "Hhhmmm" Like she's tasting something yummy, but still pondering it. Wonderfully crafted Blakeley. The girl Ben said "came out of her shell," aka flashed her tatas to a bunch of people.

"It felt good. It's like...he chose me. He chose me." That one line shows everything that is wrong with this show. Wow a girl deriving her self esteem from a guy choosing her, mostly because of her boobs and sex appeal. The other girls were right- it's a quick and cheap way to get a guy's attention. Ben fell for it- maybe he's not the prince everyone thinks he is.

The other girls however, reacting very badly to this. Saying she's a slut, and might be a man...come on girls, that's so high school. Just let the little slut play her game, and you play yours. All's fair in love and war.

Wow this show loves to pound stuff into the ground. Courtney's a MODEL??? SHUT UP. Ughh. I do love her outfit though.

Ok with horse girl, Amanda- she randomly inserts, "you know what the hardest part is about being here? Wearing makeup. Normally dirt is my makeup." Wow, you are so down to earth and low maintenance. Also, I seriously doubt dirt is your makeup.

With Samantha, love that she calls Blakeley "Jugs." Hilarious nickname. Better than her actual name. Ben seems to be souring on her- dude knows how the game is played. You can't just show him your boobs and suddenly pretend he's you're property. The show isn't over by episode 2 honey.

Also, no idea what everyone is talking about with Courtney. She's awesome. *Sip of her wine, "It's like a war out there..." Yeah, she knows whats up.

Oh good- Jenna's up. This crazy bitch. Too bad she's nuts, she's pretty. I guess this goes with the How I Met Your Mother crazy/hot scale. Wow she's like a young version of Kim from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, seemingly mixing pills and booze.

Wow. Now everyone is crying. Ughhh booooorrrriinnnggg. This is the reason The Bachelorette is way better. We don't waste any time with like, 12 women crying at the same time.

I guess Jenna crossed over the crazy/hot scale, and she is ouuuuuttaaa here. Oh I feel a little bad for her, except she...is wearing nail polish on only one finger, and seems to think she somehow deserved Ben. Girl, you don't deserve him more than anyone else in there. Hell, he's not even that awesome. Chill out. You'll get...well, probably no date offers after this, but, hey. Wait, San Francisco is his hometown? I thought Sonoma is his hometown? Ugh.

Oooh. Can't wait to see that girl pass out next week. See y'all then!
-CE
Photo courtesy of Us Weekly.