Where is Miley Going?

Lets play a fun game.

It's called, where is Miley Cyrus going?

Lets observe the outfit. She's wearing stockings with you know, the holder things, that- and pardon the faux pas if I am wrong on this- you are not supposed to see. Nonetheless, there they are.

Don't hate me, I actually enjoy her boots. I've very proudly identified them as the Frye Harness boot which I have been lusting after for months (years?) so basically, I can't hate them, no matter whose skanky feet are in them.

And I don't hate this outfit so much, compared to what she usually has on. I mean, hey, if you want to look like you're avoiding the draft, this is IT.

So lets guess- she is going to: A concert. Coffee run. Underground cool people meeting. In a true Breaking Bad move, there's actually illegal drugs in that cup.

Nope. She was...

Fake Hair?

Wow somebody hit her with the Photoshop stick. Real question though- wig or real hair? You can bet your billy bob's its a wig.

-CE
Photo courtesy of JJ.

Turning 18, or Desperate 45?

Ok she turns eighteen tomorrow, so the gloves should be coming off.

I mean, seriously? Seriously. I saw these and I just felt bad for her. Demi Moore and her recently separated mother- who looks like she'd be happy if someone looked her way and said, "haha Tish you whore bag!" because she is THAT kind of grownup- are desperately clinging onto the youth of their daughters, sucking it from them like leeches.

And then her recent ex-boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is seen out holding hands with some nobody but a wanna be somebody blonde yesterday...what choice does she have but to grab the closest thing around- some Nickelodeon dude who needs to cut the hair on his head and start growing some on his face (Avan Jogia)- and do something skanky in a hotel back room with him.

...While wearing a leather bra and pants. The worst part, although probably the best part in her eyes, is that it is all captured on some seedy hotel camera. Damn. Girl has problems. Like, Tori Spelling's character in a Lifetime Original movie problems.

I gotta feel sorry for her on this one. Plus there is braided hair on her cake. That's weird.
-CE
Photos courtesy of Just Jared

Biker Chick Meets...Fugly.

This is my "I hate people" picture of the week. Miley Cyrus at MuchMusic.

Barf. Who does she think she is?

Ugh. I hate people. And mesh shirts. Gross.
-CE

Courtney is so white. Clearly, Miley is channeling an East L.A. Chola. Except, she's missing the drown on eyebrows. Again, Miley is stealing stuff that's already been done. Anyone remember when Gwen Stefani did this?
-TM 

HOLD ON. First of all...yeah I have a question: how dare you? and what gives you the right? 

Second of all, the difference is, Gwen Stefani did it RIGHT. AKA awesome. Plus she was like, 28 before she was wearing stuff like this, and she didn't have that "come hither I'm a red neck's plaything" attitude. 
-CE 
Photo courtesy of JJ.

It Makes No Sense!

An EAR tattoo? What the hell. It makes no sense. She got 'LOVE' tattooed inside of her ear... Seriously, I'm just so over this girl.
-TM

Why is her face a weird color? 
-CE 
Photo Source

Miley Cyrus and the Creepy Dwarf.

"I just came back from Madrid"- Miley

"So did you just get back from Europe?"- Ryan Seacrest.

Duh.

Here is my thought by thought commentary on the video:
Why does she sound like she's chewing tabacco or something? Tell me, what does she know exactly about girls being in abusive relationships? It seems to me like all the guys she has ever been with have been completely whipped because they needed her to become famous.

And news to Miley's mom and Ryan Seacrest- it's not a good thing to get younger every day. Did no one see Benjamin Button???


"Billy Ray better be having the Olympic Games with that." EW RYAN SEACREST YOU GROSS LITTLE GNOME. That's her mother, first off, and secondly...GROSS.

It makes me hate myself a little to say this, but...she's wearing a jean shirt. Just saying. Ugh. The self-loathing came more quickly than I thought.

"I don't listen to any pop music." Five minutes later... "I listen to Lady Gaga!" GURL. THAT IS POP MUSIC. POPULAR. POP. MUSIC.

And it's a little early in the day to start crying "my life isn't fair! I didn't get credit for stuff because Disney, the only reason I'm famous, held me back, but they can't hold me back anymore!"

Now I'm just super distracted by that red flashing light in a room in the background. What's up with that?

Now I'm wondering if those studs on her jacket could be used as a weapon.

Oh, creepy Ryan is back on the mom thing again.

...and there is a part 2. Sorry I can't do this to myself again.
-CE

She's Just Bein' Miley.

Why does it look like she's concentrating really hard not sneezing? Or maybe her lip got stung by a bee, and she's trying really hard to not let it pull her whole face down to the floor, like on a cartoon.

Here's a question for you- big M, or big V? We all know that last one is a joke. Speaking of- listen to this asinine thing she had to say.

“I listen to zero pop music, which is really weird for someone who makes pop music. My 13-year-old self would have beaten up my 17-year-old self because she would be like, ‘You’re a sellout!’ But that’s not what it is. It’s not dance music that’s just about, ‘Ooh, I’m in the club and everyone’s looking at me.’ It means something. I’m not just sitting here trying to sell glitz and glamour . . . because no one lives that life. A lot of [pop] songs are super shallow, but this music isn’t.”

I...don't even know what that means. And let's be serious...her music is shallow. You can see right through it. There are no extra layers there. "I'm just bein' Miley". Well, duh.
-CE
Photo courtesy of JJ.

Anyone Surprised?

There's a video going around of Miley Cyrus, 16 at the time, giving a lap dance to her 44 year old choreographer. Are you shocked? Really, are you surprised? Because, I'm not. I am not surprised in the slightest bit.

I'm not going to sit here and say she's a whore, because I don't think she is. She's a teenager. Have you met some of us lately? I've seen girls Miley's age do much more to people she's known a lot worse.

Not saying this isn't super gross. She needs to dance with some people her own age. I know some people are going to say- maybe he's gay or that their like family. But, I WOULD NOT DANCE WITH MY GAY UNCLE LIKE THAT. I don't have a gay uncle, but if I had one- I would ask him for boy advice, not how to make my hips go Boom Boom Pow.

Gross.
-TM

This makes me feel ill. Can't wait to see how Papa Cyrus tries to turn this around and make US the freaks. 
-CE 

The Birds.

I wish someone would ban me from blogging about Miley Cyrus because this sucks just as much as I thought it would. I really wish I didn't have to watch this crap.

I really... don't know where to begin. I had to take ten minutes just to wipe the tears out of my eyes from laughing so hard. I mean, it's a good song, I'm sure it will do well, but...seriously?

She has BIRD WINGS. And those screen shots where she is...fighting with the other birds (I guess?) she looks positively crazy. Or like she's having some sort of seizure. I guess this is what Hitchcock had in mind when he made "The Birds"- his just wasn't as scary.

This is like "American Idol" when people who really really suck can't hear themselves. She really really sucks, and has no clue.
-CE

Miley Scissorhands Winehouse Peacock.

If I wanted to be taken more seriously, I would definitely go for this outfit. I mean, Edward Scissorhands ripped leather with the Amy Winehouse up-do beehive says, "I'm becoming a mature woman. I take MYSELF seriously."

I am so secure in my beauty, that I don't need to dress up like a peacock who has been lulled to sleep by the sound of my own annoying voice or is in some sort of medically induced coma. Or maybe I've just fallen over and hit my head because my feathers (really- feathers) are so damn heavy and ridiculous.

Come on Miley. Even you can figure out how dumb this looks.
-CE
Photos courtesy of JJ.

If You Have to Say It...

Miley Cyrus has said that she is open to doing nude scenes, oh but only if...

"It depends what the film is. If it's something that's classy—it just depends on the circumstances."

BARF. If you call something "classy"...it's usually not. Once again, it's like the "I'm a grown-up" thing. If you have to say it, you're probably not.
-CE
Photo courtesy of Celebuzz.

Miley Does the Crab Dance.

This is a girl who wants to be taken seriously. Um...ok. Skip ahead for the Miley stuff, the rest of it I really don't understand.

But "grown-ups" don't do the crab dance while in pants that look like they've been attacked by a very precise lawn mower.

Gurl be crazy. I really don't want her to be a "grown-up" because I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty.
-CE

TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. For Realz.

Usually if you have to talk about being taken more seriously...you won't be. It's one of those things- you're either cool or your not, in or out.

“I’m really looking forward to turning 18. I have bought my own house and I’m very excited about moving there. I’m quite independent anyway because I have to travel a lot. I have four siblings so my mom and dad can’t always come along. But I think people are going to take me more seriously this way. I have achieved a lot -- more than some grown-ups in my position have. And I don’t have the feeling that people are taking me seriously, simply because I’m so young. I hope that’s going to change.”

Because grown-ups call themselves grown-ups and talk about how super independent they are. I almost feel bad for her.
-CE
Photo courtesy of Zimbio. 

Miley Thinks the Internet is Lame.

She makes a point. In a totally self-loving, 'I'm so awesome and you are so small' kind of way. She's growing, learning, loving- peace man. You are small minded and inhibited.

You have to remember- Destiny Hope Cyrus is special.

She may be an ass about it, but she has a point. Not that I'm following it at all- but then again, we were different. It was all about TV for us. If we were on the internet, it was a few smuggled minutes on AIM on the family computer before your mom started being nosy.

“I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet,” said Cyrus. “It’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Miley continued, “I just think it’s kind of lame. I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”

-CE

Photo courtesy of JJ.

Memoirs of an Idiot.

Will it never end? Miley Cyrus is becoming the girl John Mayer. Everytime I turn around she's saying and doing something stupid. Or looking stupid. Hence this magazine cover. Hence this quote, just take a look:

On her chemistry with Liam: “I think we’re both deeper than normal people—what they think and how they feel. He’s very grateful for what he has, but he doesn’t let it go to his head. I’m like that too.”

Miley Cyrus is as deep as...well, Teen Vogue I guess. So basically not at all, especially with teasers like, "Are You a Facebook Narcissist?"

 

She SERIOUSLY thinks that she is deeper than a normal person? She is an imbecile. So yes, in that way, she is not a normal person.

-CE

Photo courtesy of JJ.

The Shame Claim.

Did...she do this on purpose? She's pulling a bit of a Cruella here, with her dog and her purse eerily matching. Literally, the fur is the same.

And, I'm kind of ashamed to point this out, but... she's wearing a jean shirt. Told you so. They're coming back. Just know that it's a shame claim.
-CE
Photo courtesy of PCH.

Spiderella Miley.

This kind of reminds me of a Halloween costume I had as a kid called "Spiderella". It was horrible, just like this. It was the first year I wouldn't let my mother make me a costume, and this is what I chose. Le sigh, I know. It was very strange. I'm deathly afraid of spiders, so maybe I thought it was scary.

This scares me more than spiders. I don't even know where to begin.

Anyone else have any thoughts? There are really just too many for me to sort out. The only one I can get out is the most practical: how did she get that on without ripping it? Or would you even be able to tell if she did?
-CE
Photos courtesy of JJ.

THIS Is Really Bazaar.

Miley Cyrus looks gorgeous on the cover of this month's Harper's Bazaar. Which is to say, she looks absolutely nothing like herself.

Jeez, they classed her up. Damn. But why is the real question. Is she really someone their target audience wants to read about? Eh. Maybe. I mean, maybe they were desperate...and she always is, so that would explain it. It also accounts for the lack of cowboy boots or jeans ripped open at the crotch.

Perhaps this is the beginning of a new Miley? HA. Yeah right.

On her new tattoo: “It reminds me not to take things for granted, I mean, breathing — that was something none of them could do, the most basic thing. And I put it near my heart because that is where they will always be.”

EARTH TO MILEY: Your heart is not under your boob. It's in the middle of your chest. But I guess she covers it by saying 'near'. I could get a tattoo on my ankle and claim the same thing, right?

Then there is this:

I thought it was so cool when girls would ask me, What’s your shirt? And I’m like, Hanes, but I have $60,000 worth of jewelry on top of it!”

Oh yeah, she's just bein' Miley. A totally normal girl. Remember when they would claim she was on an allowance? HA.

-CE
Photo courtesy of JJ.

Straight outta Jersey

The Shore that is. Miley Cyrus and her new costar and beau, Liam Hemsworth, look like they belong on MTV's Jersey Shore. For real, the cutouts and facial hair. They could easily be Snooki and The Situation. Do you watch the show? Claire and I love it, more so we love reality television. It's just classic.

Anywho, Miley and Liam are in Australia, probably visiting his family. I'd say this sounds like a big commitment, but remember when she was dating the Male Model. Justin something? I don't know. But, he was said to be the one. Now, Liam is the one. And, if I recall there was a  Nick Jonas "hook up" in between there. He, too, was once the one.

But, that's how the Cyrus' work. They put their shit out there, shamelessly.

-TM
Photo Source

Bad Miley-mance

I hate this girl. Why does most of America love her? This is why people hate us. Just saying.
-CE